Hi, Brown. The reason that I even came to SR is because I came to the realization that my mother is an alcoholic about 3-4 years ago, although looking back, it is obvious that she has been an alcoholic much longer than 3-4 years. I understand your pain, shame, fears, guilts, disappointment, resentments etc. Your pain is very real and sometimes it feels like there is no one to turn to or anyone who understands.
I have finally come to a place of fairly healthy detachment, but it has taken me years to get here. During that time, I attended Alanon, did a ton of reading , quit drinking myself (now sober over two years), and to this day, I check out SR almost daily. I consider it my main support system.
When you are raised by an unhealthy person with addiction issues, many times you become what is called a codependent personality. In a nutshell, codependents put our focus outside of ourselves, trying to control people or circumstances outside of ourselves to make us feel better. Well, controlling things outside of ourselves is the definition of "Mission Impossible". We have to retrain ourselves to put the focus on our own self, which is really the only person we do have any control over and try to keep the focus there. There isn't anything selfish about this. Being our best selves is a gift we give back to the rest of the world.