2 months out
I want to start out with that I've often read and reread most of the posts in this forum over the last 3 years; however, I've almost never posted much about my story. It has really helped me to not only understand this disease, but more importantly to realize that I wasn't alone in dealing with it and the utter chaos and destruction it causes. While I could write a full novel (and probably could via my own logs) on my journey into the depths of madness, I'll (try to) keep it relatively short.
I met my stbxaw about 12 years ago; and we got engaged and moved into together within the first year. The first 3-4 years were fun; though I started seeing warning signs even then... which I promptly dismissed and assumed things would get better. I hesitated getting married for a long time, but at the five year mark I caved and thought that things would get better afterwards; they did not. What did happen is that throughout our 6.5 yr marriage "incidents" increased in frequency and severity, yet I served as a buffer absorbing the consequences and cleaning up the mess. Additionally, I hid the situation from those closest to me; well, at least I tried to as best I could.... for a while.
Here's some of the "highlights" of the last five years
- lies, manipulation, gaslighting, belligerence and hostility
- puking in the bed
- hospital visits due to alcohol poisoning
- police & paramedics at the house
- monthly blackouts, and falling into things
- false accusations of abuse after falling into things while drunk
- arrested (I got a good night's sleep that night, since I knew where she was)
- banned from all of my immediate family's homes and functions
- no job, very few friends
- most of my friends withdrew and stopped inviting us (her) out
- suicide threats
- an affair (lasting the last two and a half years, and still ongoing)
- me finding out about the affair one month after it started and trying to put an end to it over the last 2.5 years instead of just walking away.
- seeing and reading things that cannot be unseen.
- being assured that not only was the aborted fetus healthy, but it was in fact mine since he had a vasectomy. (And what part of that was supposed to comfort me?)
The final straw for me was a few days before last NYE when I kicked her out as I couldn't deal with the drunken insanity, and she was instantly out with him again while staying at a hotel. It took about 10 more months of this insanity to finally get her to actually leave; and as of today I've been separated from my stbxaw for a little over 2 months; I've retained a lawyer and am moving forward with my life. I am generally happier and feel more at peace than I have in years. I still harbor some resentment and hate, but they are fading and I think about them less and less... I know... time.
I suppose the reason I am posting this now at this point, is not only as a thank you for the existence of these forums (as they do help guide people even if they are just lurking and not posting (like me)), but also to gain some more insight on the path forward. This is all new territory for me, and most threads are posted while individuals are in the moment, still stuck, trying to work things out, and/or still trying to "fix" their AW/H.
Knowing that I still have a lot of work to do on myself in my recovery, I plan on spending a lot of time working on me. I've been spending more time with friends and family. And with only being recently separated I had had no intentions to start dating just yet; however, through a chance meeting while out with several mutual friends, I've met someone and we've recently started dating. What has caught me off guard and was unexpected, is that I'm feeling guilty about dating and being happy and moving forward with my life. I presume that this too is normal and will pass in time... but again, this is all new to me.