secretchord

I didn't drink a lot. Some would argue that. But when I drank I became someone I didn't recognize anymore. The morning I decided to quit I felt guilty. I felt like I was living the cycle. I felt out of control. I had been trying to quit for five months. But there was always a reason to drink.

I don't know when or how my drinking became out of control. I know it was always something I could turn to in hard times. I could blame the challenges of motherhood. I could blame it on my profession. I could blame it on the emotional abuse I suffered as a child. Or even the narcissistic boss who tortured me for three years. But in the end, it was me who picked up that bottle. I did this to myself.

I was high functioning they say. I think that makes recovery even harder for me. Many people never knew I had a problem. No legal problems or even family problems....yet. I have a full time job, never missed work. I didn't get the shakes. Never drank in the morning. All these things make denial harder for me. But I know that it isn't the alcohol. It isn't the frequency or even the amount. It's the loss of self. That is why I choose sobriety today.