Greetings everyone, this is my 1st post on this forum!
I will try to brief as much as possible in order to get down to the specific issue which I have signed up to ask about.
My father has been an alcoholic for as much as I can remember (before I was even born), I am in my mid 20s now and my entire childhood, along with my other brothers ones, were shaped by countless nights of alcoholism. You see, some people drink and, as a result, become maniacally happy. My father doesn't. He is prone to depression and, once he's done from his 2nd glass, he becomes extremely negative, starts shouting (neighbors will start hearing) and committing insane acts. Our childhood till the late teenage years were ruined by such DAILY night acts. During the day, he's normal, mostly emotionless unless there's a special occasion, he always denies WHATEVER he committed during the night before and so life went on with my mother being divorced but eventually my parents remarried again, between this we were kicked out of the house sometimes (me and my older brother) as we tried to spend nights on the streets, at friends houses and at my grandmother's house. It only happened a few times though.
Fast forward to when I became 17-18 (I am 26 now), things started to change, I became extremely impulsive, I used to argue with him whenever he's drunk just to shut him up, oh how wrong I was! We used to physically fight also and I really really regret to say this, I am really ashamed to say that he bled a few times because of me, this is really hard to write. As a result of my terrible acts, I used to cry all nights, I started developing mental illness myself (a mid-level of OCD at first) and I have some kind of a phobia from "alcohol". I don't like people who drink it and I will never ever drink it myself. Between 2008 and 2010, we never spoke a word with each others, meanwhile, my older brother was already working abroad for a few years, so he kinda "escaped" this terrible reality, while my younger brother was just growing up into his early teen years so I assume that it was an okay experience for him since he was too young to understand. I reconciled with my father and, since 2010, we have a great relationship, he really loves me and he's proud of my achievements (I am on my way to earn my master's degree), however I still extremely and silently suffer from a specific OCD form (precisely, moral scrupulosity) and a chronic dysthymia despite graduating, traveling and working abroad. To close this, my father has continued to remain an alcoholic, he's 67 now.
Current Issue
Since 2008, we agreed that, for the sake of everyone, it's better for my father to just leave the house during the night and sleep at his own work (he has a small shop inside a building), so he has been on this routine since 2008 despite that our relationship is excellent. I came home today and my mother asked me this: don't you think that we should invite your father to return and sleep at home during the night? It's winter you know... I reminded her of the endless nightmarish nights we had during the 90s and 00s when he goes drunk, she said yes, you're right, we cannot do it, etc... but he's old now and breaks a heart... And here where I am crying now, I love him, he loves us, I want him to sleep on his bed whenever he wants and not on an uncomfortable couch at work, but I am really not ready (neither are my mom and bro) to start experiencing those horror nights again, even at 26, I am still terribly afraid of experiencing them again, my OCD and mild-depression don't help at all and I really have a terrible ruminating mind most of the day (despite working really hard to earn my master's degree and to resume working based on my good work experience).
Am I being selfish? Do you know what is it like to suffer from moral scrupulosity? It is not sleeping nights if I slap someone without a reason! Ethics play a hard role in my life and I can easily suffer and fall for them. I am afraid that, one day, he will pass away and then I will start blaming myself to the point of falling into an acute depression because "I didn't allow him to sleep on his bed again". On the other hand, alcoholism has destroyed our early life, now I am surely not blaming him for my mental health issues since my bros didn't develop any significant impairment as much as I did but it did play a role during my upbringing.
What shall I do now? Shall we (mom, myself and my brothers) invite him to sleep again at home? If yes, there's no guarantee that he will stop his acts (just a few weeks ago we got a really drunk voice message from him, it was AWFUL) so I know that he will resume acting as he always did. Just to let you know, his acts are unbearable (refer to when I started my thread), the entire building will start hearing his screaming, shouting and badmouthing my mom and us in general, not to mention opening doors and screaming, etc... very bizarre acts!
Sorry if I took too much time from you, but I am really struggling between what seems to be the right thing to do and between what actually is right. I can easily cry just thinking of his current condition. (Oh and there's no way in hell he's getting any help, we live in the middle-east and alcoholism is still a taboo, even though I requested in the past from mom to help him with some therapy but it's out of the question)
