EveningRose

My father loved to say this to me, except with this twist:

I have to love you because I'm your father, but I sure don't like you.

About 6 years ago, I had drawn the line over bad behavior. He and I were still on good terms, however, but he came to my house and among many other very hurtful and callous things, informed me--in my late 30s by then--that he 'didn't like the new [me].'

I realized in that moment that I didn't actually like a single one of my family members either. He set the standard. He told me it's okay to dislike my family members, and I realized I do.

More importantly, I don't see any reason ever to tell your own child you 'don't like' them. We may be upset or angry with behavior. But having been on the receiving end of those words for years, including as an adult, I hope I have never said that to any of my children. I think it's a controlling, hurting, devastating thing for a child to hear, repeatedly, from a parent.

As to loving our parents--I don't love mine. And I feel zero guilt about that. If all their other children die and they're old and alone and need a place to live, I'd take them in in a heartbeat, and I hold little or no anger toward them. I simply choose not to spend time with people who are toxic.

I see them as damaged, broken individuals. I don't hate them, but neither do I feel any obligation to 'love' people who have done a lot of damage in my life.