I was on the fence for years and even when I though I got off and chose a side, I somehow found myself back on the fence. You know why? Because I was never really off of the fence, I was pretending to be off, hoping that I would get the reaction that I so desperately wanted.
dimndaruf, I have been there with you for the exact same reasons. It is hard to admit it, but if I'm honest w/myself, that is exactly it.
Sad, it might be worth the time and effort for you to consider this and if/how it may be affecting your situation also.