Originally Posted by
Bunny211 
Now, I am on my 4th step and my sponsor says that it is normal to feel this way when writing one's 4th. But I was going over some of my resentments with her yesterday and she asked me why I was not crying. She said when she went over her part in things with her sponsor she was bawling. I'm not. And, a lot of things I know I SHOULD feel guilty about I just don't. Some of my actions in the past seem, to me, to be "not that big of a deal." That makes me feel like I am some sort of defective sociopath or something. Like, why am I not sad? I will say, however, that I am VERY angry all the time. Little things make me fly off the handle....like someone cutting me off in traffic. I only express this rage alone...never in front of people. But, I have been known to have a temper tantrum in my car, screaming and slamming my fists etc.
I rarely cry. I just don't. And if I do it is usually out of frustration. I'm not crying because of the things I've done in the past. I feel like I am still crying because I am sad about the state of my life. And, I feel like this is the wrong way to feel. I just feel like I am doing something wrong, here and even more concerning to me is that I am slipping into a horrible depression.
Can anyone relate?
Thanks.
Perhaps the first thing to consider is that if we are unwell physically, it can put us off beam. Hopefully that can be treated and will be a passing thing.
I just had a good look at the directions for the fourth step and there is no mention of bursting into tears being part of the process. It wasn't for me either. But then my fourth step was about the flaws in my character that caused my failure.
I took the best part of a day with my sponsorget through step 4 , and discovered the things about me that made me my own worst enemy. Selfishness, dishonesty, fear, resentment etc. I began to see how these traits tripped me up.
These things affected me when I was sober, which was why I was never happy sober, and they got me back to drinking, seeking that feeling of ease and comfort. As you say, it wasn't a big deal. For me it was enlightening. It explained a lot about how I got to feeling so crap when sober.
In the next chapter, it talks about step 5. This was much tougher. It didn't have me crying, but I was stuttering and shaking as I got out the revolting episodes that happened on my sprees. The defect lead to the spree which (maybe coupled to the defect) lead to the revolting episode, which may sometimes have lead to harm to another. Step 5 was my life story in terms of all the wrongs I had done, mostly drunk. I didn't put that in writing, and I used my inventriy list as a prompter.
Afterwards, my spritual connection began to be restored. What you refer to as the pink cloud, I think of as God's grace. Pre steps, it is like a free sample of what life can be like. God's grace came back after the fifth and has never left, no matter what the life throws my way.
I am thinking your sponsor seems to have some set ideas about how you should be feeling about these two steps, in contradiction of the big book directions. The fifth is critical, and the big book emphasises we should think very carefully about who we will choose to hear it. It lists options which do not include an AA member. I suggest my sponsees go to a minister of religion, because those people are trained to hear this sort of thing and I am not. I have seen devastation in the newcomer when the wrong person is chose. Confidence may be broken, or judgement passed, none of which is helpful.
Something to think about.