Iwishonstars777

He hasn't had a job in a year. Partially my fault, I suppose. I had an offer for a promotion making almost double the anount, and that would mean he could stay at home and we wouldn't need a babysitter or daycare. I can't rely on him to hold down a job, that's why I took the offer. He ended up quitting his job because the times were over lapping and would prevent me from being able to take the promotion. I've supported our family, taken care of bills and enabled his habbit..when you actually sit down and think about it, $300-$400 A WEEK (just on him!!), is quite a bit of money. How I was able to afford that but still don't have a newer car baffles me...and irritates me. I never wanted to enable him, but got sucked in with the manipulation, broken promises and suicidal threats.

He knows what I expect of him, but he chooses to do things at his leisure, if he does. I expect the very basic of him because that is all he can handle until he proves otherwise. Sometimes I forget and expect him to know when to change the oil in the car, he's a guy, he should pay attention to our only mode of transportation right? Nahhh, I do. Or you know take the trash out, simple right? Nahhh. Help my dad with yardwork, the pool...nah. it's embarrassing to see my sister and her husband come over to help do decorations and the yard, when he lives here. I'm ashamed for him, he can't offer? But he can go outside to make a phone call or smoke a cigarette.

I've been going to al anon for a fee weeks now. The last 2 weeks I haven't gone because I've been sick, our car is not drivable and his meetings alwayyys come first. I've been reading how al anon works, for family and friend of alcoholics. And being on here when I can when he's not around. I feel trapped. Living at home with my parents, our 3 1/2 year old shares a room with us. Our 1 year old has her own kind of room. I have no privacy or alone time or a place I can go to. (Let alone we). Everyone knows our business and when we argue or what's going on with us. Amd then my mom gets involved and feels the need to put her 2 cents in at times. I feel I can't do things my way because it's not my house and it's shared space. He is always gone at meetings. I have a few friends, they don't live close, talk on the phone, but I have no one like he does that can just pick me up and take me away from everything. My first thought is, how are the kids going to be taken care of? My insides feel like they are crawling, just waiting to burst and wreak havoc. I want to get out of here, need to get out of this cage.

Another reply was if I'm stuck in between. Always, from the minute I found out about him using when I was first pregnant. I was just fine before him and then he came into my life and ruined it (with the exception of my girls) or that's how I feel. I wasn't ready for kids and thinking back, I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I have always thought over the years, would I be better of without him? The answer is yes. However, I didn't think it was fair to just abandon him. I feel he needed me. His kids to keep his eyes open and without us, he would just get nowhere. During a time of complete chaos and mental breakdown, I told him he needed to go, I left the house with our daughter to give him the weekend to pack his stuff and go to his parents. Didn't happen, instead, his mom sent someone who "specializes in working with addicts" to talk to him...ya, a female who was a recovered addict who is a daughter of a friend of his moms. Which is another story of feelings and betrayal. So i tried, didn't work, ended up with him in a psych place for a few days and I missed him terribly and worried about him. Things seemed to get a little better after that, around this time is when he moved from smoking to IV. I lost it, ended up cheating on him not with just one but 2 guys, one if whom I worked with and the other was a past partner. Slept with the past partner, after going to the bar and getting wasted. The other guy, we just messed around. Still consider that cheating. Never have I done anything like this and was totally out of character for me. I felt dirty and ashamed of myself (still do). I felt so bad and guilty, but why should I when I don't know what he's done? Reading messages about would you want to hook up with me and finding girls numbers in his pockets. And reading messages about a having a sexual dream with a coworker...to that person. And then during those "we need space but we are not split up times" he's telling all the people that were not together and I took everything, and left him with nothing and a bunch of lies and talk crap about me..but never did his issues come up. And these girls would feel bad for him!!!! He even went as far as to ditch his daughter for some stupid girl who thought he loved her...again, his mom's idea..her hairdresser, thought they'd get along. See a patterrn? I could keep going, but yes I feel in between. I want things to work, I know time is needed. They say to not make any important decisions this early in recovery. Maybe I'm not working the program right? I figured I'd go to meetings until the end of the year to scope out a sponsor for the beginning of the year. I want my children to be happy and healthy. Out relationship and everything that goes on is affecting our oldest. She picks up on everything now and there's no escaping or hiding it from her. She can be so sweet and loving but if we argue, it's miserable, she turns into what she sees. I feel so bad I have brought children into this type of family life. I never wanted that. I love them dearly and I believe they deserve their father, but he doesn't deserve them if he can't contribute to the family. Yes, stuck in between, been there for years and it's only getting harder.