venting
Instead of focusing on my husband's behaviors, actions, etc..I've been trying to focus on my own. I'm having a really hard time not letting things get to me (like toys being picked up and placed in the wrong spot, his pile of laundry not being done and in the way, being gone most of the day at meetings and not having time to myself outside of the home). There was a situation that I thought I handled better than what I would have months ago, but it still erks me. It has affected me to the point I feel I'm ruining things. I really want to be a better person and not let things bother me..most importantly, my reaction. I react to anything that is upsetting to me, anything that makes me feel jealous, unloved, unwanted. I react to the distance. I feel in a worse spot now than when he was using. I know I am under a lot of stress (lost my job in october, went for unemployment and it's been issue after issue with that, now the money I relied on to give our girls a Christmas is not there, my parents always have my back but I feel so undeserving of it. Recently diagnosed with shingles and was told stress and a weak immune system can trigger it, my aunt told me I really am under a lot of stress..guess I didn't really realize it until she told me.)
I feel like I'm going backwards, not forward. I feel like my relationship is slipping away. The girls can drive me crazy. He drives me crazy and my family can as well. I just want to be alone most of the time so I don't have to deal with everyone and everything else. I look forward to everyone being asleep so I can just be alone for awhile...until the next day begins. I wake up and get our daughter ready for school and take her, I get our youngest up and do breakfast, diaper change, dishes, clean up, laundry, etc.. I make lunch etc. I pick our daughter up from school. I take care of nap time and rest time. I do dinner, dishes, cleanup, bathtime, bedtime. All while he sleeps, is at meetings, watching TV in the bedroom, or just doing nothing. He didn't even offer to help my dad with decorations outside. He sat around and then left, and then sat around when he got hone. I ask if he can take the trash and recycles out..hell sit around at his leisure until he wants to do it, which most of the time ends up someone else doing it. We sleep with separate blankets, we have for yearrrs. He doesn't cuddle with me, I rub his back and neck if he has a headache or whatever, I don't get that unless I beg, which is stupid anyway for a quick minute massage. And then he wonders why I bitch about everything. I've tried to explain to him why but he just doesn't get it. Of course, I'm sure I don't go about things the best way but come on man!
I can count on one hand the times I have received flowers from him. Majority was because he did something wrong, mothers day, and my birthday. I don't believe I have received a Christmas gift or birthday gift from him, except our first year. Mothers day, my first that's it. Anniversary, what's that? A date where he's had the control to plan and pay, ya right. I know those are materialistic items but I don't ask or want much. What I want is what is shown. But it would be nice to receive a thoughtful gift that I've been dieing for for years but haven't been able to afford due to our issues. But I always find a way to give him what he wants.
I'm pretty lost and confused and losing what's left of my mind. I don't want to go down the path of self destruction more than I have. I don't want to be depressed more than I am. I want to feel some sort of normal and peace. Not chaos and all these negative feelings I have.
If you've made it this far, sorry it was so long. I definitely needed to vent my feelings and frustrations somewhere.