Thank you all, these are things I need to hear. Each of your posts, honestly, so helpful. I tend to want to minimize and say "every marriage has problems, what makes mine any different?" ...But yeah, his relationship with drugs is like an affair he refuses to end. Even during the brief periods he isn't using, he's miserable and pining for his true love.
Practically, I can support myself and the baby. I bought our house by myself last year, and can afford the mortgage alone.
My parents are nearby, and awesome, and watch the baby while I work ..though they are understandably fed up with AH and sick of essentially subsidizing his drug use with free childcare. They tried to talk to him about it a couple of weeks ago, so now he refuses to do anything with my family, which is really awkward.
Last week I gave him a (short) list of things he'd need to do to save our marriage, because he emailed me and ASKED for suggestions and encouragement. I guess he didn't like my list because he overdrew his account and used the next day.
This morning has been so pleasant. My moment-by-moment evaluation of our relationship is so dysfunctional and divorced from reality. I'm just motivated to see what I want to see.