ella213

I kicked my husband out this summer for a week until I realized I wasn't really ready to end things... I was just trying to manipulate him into hitting rock bottom and getting better, and then we'd live happily ever after. Instead of getting help, he smoked heroin/meth in motels until I let him come home.

Trying to get to that point where I can let go, for good.

I don't believe my happiness is the only important thing, and I believe marriage is sacred, and divorce should be the very last option. But even my pastor is saying I may need to divorce. My husband is not in recovery despite many people reaching out to him. He won't leave our home again, so we can't just separate. I looked into legal separation but due to how my state's family law system is structured, it will end up requiring an attorney and a lot more $ (which we don't have, because he spent it all). And I kind of feel like anything but divorce will just prolong the agony.

Every time he's nice, or even civil, I doubt myself. This morning he made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. It's my birthday. He said happy birthday so that was nice. But there's this undercurrent of irritation and contempt, and I don't feel loved. He has a laundry list of complaints and accusations he's ready to recite if I bring up my feelings, or his addiction. So I don't.

I don't believe he's using heroin right now (he'd be much nicer if he was) but he's drinking and smoking pot. When he can't get pot, he's pretty unpleasant... He's not violent, but a week ago he got really drunk and left in the car even though I begged him not to. Money is disappearing, he didn't go to work on Thursday.

I am tied to him forever because we have a toddler (I got pregnant before I knew he'd relapsed)... I hate this, I hate it!! I almost want him to hit me or have an affair or set the house on fire so there's no question whether I'm "justified" in divorcing him.

Thoughts/advice welcome. Thanks!