Morning, team! I'm in on Day 193!
I kept thinking about drinking yesterday. I was listening to sobriety podcasts, some of the stories described ice cold vodka and other drinks and the relief the drinker felt, etc... it was very evocative. I wondered what it would be like if I actually drank. I was musing but making sure I didn't take it too far, like actually bargain with myself or some ridiculousness like that. I'm not going there. Not interested.
I thought the whole drink through and it was an easy conclusion to make. It's not for me.
The stories in the podcasts I listened to went on to tell of horrific events and sad sad loss of potential until they got in recovery.
I wasn't romanticizing or craving, I was just wondering/musing what it would be like if I drank. I can't have anything nice if I drink... No peace of mind, no health, no money, no future, nothing.
It was also on my mind bc on Tuesday night my boss texted me to go say hi to a chef friend of his that was in the bar at our work. My boss had left so I went out there to say hi and get them a round on his tab.
We were very similar in words, energy levels, thoughts on the industry, etc. She was several cocktails in. I texted him when I left and said she was a great contact and I'm glad I met her. He wrote me back, 'you two are so much alike it's scary.'
And I kept thinking how can we be alike if she is at a bar and that is normal for her, and I spend all my time focused on cleaning up my act and living sober? I'm just a drink away from her. I don't know if she has a problem but I can't go out for a fancy couple of rounds, that's not where the night ends for me.
It ends at home, chain smoking, pounding white wine and Jameson, inappropriately fb messaging whomever the hell will write back, texting for whatever guy to come over, and then feeling like holy hello the whole next day. And the mental pain of knowing I am beating myself to a pulp.
I'm still relieved I don't drink. I want what I have and it will all go away if I drink. I don't have a craving or obsession to drink. I don't think I'll do anymore musing again soon.
I took myself to a bathhouse/Korean spa type thing yesterday. I soaked in scalding and dipped in freezing pools, I got the ever loving crap scrubbed and exfoliated out of me by a granny... She did a bunch of stuff like wash my hair and put a face mask on, it was wonderful. Sat in the steam sauna to let all the oils she put on me seal in...Then I went to their food court and had some delicious Korean food and snoozed in their movie theater for a minute. I didn't even go to the seven different dry saunas they have, I was pretty much wobbly at that point.
I'm going to firmly stick to the self care side of things and what I can do for myself to show myself I'm important and there is no time or need to think about a drink.