Hi everyone,
I've just joined this site and today is my first day of sobriety.
I'm 27. I've been drinking pretty heavily for about 10 years now
I took to alcohol in my teens, I guess when I realised it helped with the symptoms of the anxiety I've suffered from since I was a little girl. I began drinking alone in the evenings when I was about 18. I used to feel like it allowed me to be *me*, without the anxiousness and fear and awkwardness I was otherwise used to. I felt confident, sexy, more attractive. I thought it was liberating then. Now I feel like I've wasted these years drunk and alone, dreaming of actually being involved in life, when the reason I haven't been involved is because of the very thing I thought was the answer.
I have very few friends and no hobbies or genuine interests. Drinking whenever I can is my only hobby. This has meant that most days I would get drunk after arriving home from work. On days off work I would hold off drinking as long as I could then go for it all day and night.. sometimes barely making it to 12pm before starting. Time and time again I've washed over it with concerned family members. Now and again (usually after a particularly bad bender) I've cried, terrified and alone, thinking I would die from the physical withdrawal symptoms (heart palpitations and panic attacks), vowing to change and get help. God, that utter fear and hopelessness and self-loathing. I once got as far as having an initial assessment at the drug and alcohol service where I lived at the time, but couldn't sustain interest. It's almost like I would go into denial... something I felt so strongly about just becoming a non-issue as soon as the hangover wears off and the most recent horrid memories and emotions have faded.
I lost my most recent romantic relationship mainly due to my drinking. My previous romantic relationship - it was a huge issue there too. I've slept through work, lectures, spent days alone drinking myself into oblivion all day, completely ignoring impending deadlines, just not caring much about anything at all except alcohol. I've failed at things, made excuses, and often just not bothered to attempt anything in life at all.
I'm heartbroken for the people I've hurt and the opportunities I've wasted (many). But mainly for myself. I've been in denial for so long. Last night was an especially bad bender, and I am done. I am tired and disgusted. I am frightened of myself, of my mind and the tricks it plays on my perceptions. My drinking is NOT okay. How could spend so long thinking it is when this is the reality?!
I've made an appointment for an assessment with the local drug and alcohol service which is in three days' time. I need support. I need to focus on the reality of this and I need to be accountable. I am so scared of failure, but I feel some kind of strength now.
Thank you for reading. It's lovely to 'meet' you all.