Hi SR friends
So I had "something" with a guy and then he disappeared, causing me great pain. Yes, alcohol was involved at all times so that is the dumb part of me thinking that anything said or done while under the influence was real.
I have to own my part as I was not clear about my thoughts nor my feelings nor expectations. At the time I also felt casual about things and didn't think I would feel more for this guy.
So it was confusing.
Sometimes he appeared as if he was just playing around and sometimes it felt as if he was taking me very seriously.
Anyway.
After some dates he started getting distanced, I didn't push nor looked for him either. Then gladly I lost my mobile phone so I lost our pics and our chats and his number! and I have been happier actually living life without feeling ignored a lot of times, or being criticized or wondering what he is doing, etc.
Recently I learned from someone that "he was having issues with his girl". I had a tough night knowing he was with someone else, I have to admit. Although on the other hand, knowing he was having issues, reassured myself that this guy is unhealthy and it doesn't have to do with me.
Now he is back, talking to me, acting as if nothing happened. (He doesn't have my number but we work in the same company. I know, I know, a mistake.)
He wanted to "have tea" the other day.
So I went.
He said that he had realized that he could not go on the way he has been acting, he said he has hurt many people and had started meditating and remembering many instances where he has been heartless... that sometimes he wishes he really didn't care at all. He seems genuine in his pain.
He confessed he has not loved anyone genuinely and he is a 35-year-old man still living with his parents. Red flags, I know. He knows if he goes on he will end up alone.
Then he invited me to his summer house "for the weekend". Right.
I have to admit that I considered it, still from a place of neediness in myself, but then he had a "family emergency" and we didn't go. Not sure if I believe him though... anyway, after all, it was good for me not fall into the trap once again and have an excellent time and imagine things and then have him ignore me again.
He has looked for me and we have chatted almost daily. As friends we get along, I will still have him in the periphery of my life so I would rather be diplomatic.
I kind of think he cares a lot about someone, that he has toxic patterns playing out with her, and now as he sees I am getting healthier (I dress better, drink more water, eat better, go to bikram yoga, go to a traditional therapist, go to spiritual ceremonies, exercise more self compassion and gratitude, draw my feelings, write...) he is trying to get my sympathy and attention and to get tips for him to feel better and have it work with this other girl. That is what I feel is going on. I might be wrong though but bottomline I do not think I can trust him.
I know even if it was with this guy it would be years for him to be considered a healthy person who has done his amends and takes responsibility for his actions.
So he knows I am into detox teas so we are doing a challenge for December and we are taking a tea for the liver every day. Although I told him its just herbs and it is not a magic potion.
Yesterday he said he was going through too much suffering and now he wants me to take him to my traditional therapist.
I offered to do so, after all my therapist is excellent and works in many levels.
It seems now I am this guy's confidant.
I am ok with staying as friends yet still it is too soon for me.
Anyway my boundaries are more clear now, of course no weekends nor kissing nor flirting, I wait for him to reach out (I do not reach out to him first) and when he contacts me I am friendly like I would be with anyone else... and if I feel like it I listen to him and share what has worked for me. He has asked me for my number but I don't know if I want to give him a new one I will get.
So just sharing where I am at today, this guy is an expert in narcissism and manipulation, maybe not consciously but one can see he is smart and plays people. I need to remind myself that whatever he is showing there is much more he is not telling me and I need to keep a healthy distance. I am usually a kind person so I do not think he suspects I am smarter and wiser now, probably he still thinks I am at his beck and call... and I do not want to be that person anymore.
I really feel I deserve respect from everyone and I need to be kept in check in order not to fall off the wagon.
Thank you for letting me share what I am really thinking and feeling today. After all I am trying not to feel like a victim and realize I will share what I want to share when I want to, with him or with anyone else, and now he is not able to hurt me because I am not placing my heart on the way of a trainwreck nor betting my sanity on his healing process. I have to let his path be his path, and remember I have my own which I can fill with great things for myself and the ones who have truly shown love to me.