Pamela
I am a daughter of an addict...
And a step-daughter of an alcoholic/addict... That's who she wanted to marry... That's who she wanted around herself and her children.
My mother's name is Pamela.
I have a half brother and we share Pamela.. But we have no idea who our fathers are. We were hard kids to raise.. I know that.
Speaking for myself... I was a hell of a kid to raise. And she will tell you that even to this day to defend herself.. That I was so difficult and stubborn and disrespectful. I had nothing to respect. She didn't quite get that parenting had an effect on how your children would behave, Or that selling methadone in kitchen and telling me to get out every-time I came down for juice would make quite an impact.
I remember coming home at 3 a.m on school nights tripping my face off and she would be up... and she would ask how my night was... I looked her right in the eyes and when she saw my huge pupils she just shook her head, mumbled something about how I said I would stop, and Hadn't and then I would head upstairs...
I don't remember Pamela saving me from a since thing in life. Not even myself. And I've been at war with myself for a long time. She never talked me out of a bad decision, she never through my druggy friends out of the house. She never pushed me... And back then it was "cool", Right? I could do whatever I wanted... But I would give anything now for that push that parents give when they just want you to succeed.
I have collection agencies wanting money from me because she decided to use my name for whatever her credit wouldn't allow.
She lost her job when I was about 13, And That's when she got on Welfare and as I got older and realized what that was I started feeling embarrassed, Trying to hide free lunch as if I had paid for it.
She would always be on the couch when me and my step brother got home from school.... That's even if we stopped home first. Most of the time I just got off of the bus at Cumberland Farms and walked around town with my friends until I dragged my ass home for the night.
And today? She is still with that awful man, selling methadone in a trailer she can barely afford. And I just can't love her anymore... I have loved her far longer than she deserved.
I'm not saying that I am ruined, because I am not. I am who I am today because of everything I have seen, heard, felt and been through.i will be just fine. I don't want people to feel bad for me because barely had parents. It could have been so much worse for me..
I just hope that people know... what you do to or in front of your kids... Will have a deep effect on them in life. And for me..I'm an adult and I still just want to hug my mom. And I thought she would be the last person in this world to break my heart..