Hopeful. Excited. Scared.
Hi friends. I'm on day two, and I feel simultaneously positive / excited and like periodically breaking down and crying.
At 17, I started drinking recreationally — then became the victim of a violent crime. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I went through severe PTSD, and alcohol became my coping mechanism. I couldn't go out at night without it. It was my gateway to fun and relaxation. And that never really changed, all through college, and now long after.
I'm almost 38 now. I quit drinking once, for several years, and then convinced myself I could do it differently if I went back. You know the rest.
So I'm on day two now. My "rock bottom" is the dreams I have been having after long nights dreaming. Without alcohol, I do not dream of things like losing my 3 year old son to a violent death, etc. After the usual night of drinks,though, my dreams become horrors. And on top of all of that, I wake up every morning feeling ashamed of myself. I've lost my confidence. I've lost what was always my biggest strength: my desire to move forward, to accomplish things, to contribute, to progress and not regress.
And so I have to stop drinking.
But I still have all this liquor at the house. I'm still going to dinner tonight, to the basketball game. And it's been so long since I've done these things without a drink. I will persevere, but I'm afraid.
I'm glad to meet you, that you are here, that I am here.