i truly wish i had all you people here at an alanon meeting!!! minnie,i have looked into it,and there are none in this area in the evenings. the others....it is comforting just to know that i am not the only person in the world who has no close friends, at least not close by.....besides you people on this board, the person who has gotten me thru this far is a former co worker who lives out of state--he has been calling, checking up on me regularly,and listening to me whine and moan far more than anyone should. my other so called close friends out of state,and my kids, just dont seem to understand the depth of what ive been feeling. of course,every time THEY have been thru it, i have listened......................over and over again. it is also comforting to know that so many others feel exactly what i feel about all of it.
and jaintao...well thanks alot, you made me cry.......sobbing hysterical out loud crying.......i went to the beach today. it is the only place lately that i feel a real sense of inner peace. what was strange,was i was afraid of the water....and i have never my whole entire life been that afraid.....when i was a kid, i would stay in till my lips were blue, and i probably almost drowned about a dozen times........once,i actually saw my life pass before me, but i always went back in...........i stood there thinking, "is this what he has done to me?????
the water was though, very rough....i have never seen that much seaweed,and the sand and shells churning so much....i got knocked over quite a few times just standing on the edge,and enough sand in my suit to build a castle!!!..last i heard they had four rescues in a short time.
came home,and i have been taping that old show, grace under fire. it is reruning on the oxygen channel. i would highly recomend it to all of you. one of her lines was about how she would not have married her ex alcoholic,if she had not been drinking herself. and it made me think.........i am not an alcoholic,an addict, so i had the sense to not move in with him, or even stay with him....and shes right, if i was, i probably would have. so his new person will either eventually leave too, or stay if she has problems too. and what kind of life is that? none that i want.
i feel so much better right now, and thats been happening more............i DO know who i am, and i will "stand--for the things you know are right, its the truth that the truth makes them so uptight....stand...theres a midget standing tall,and a giant beside him about to fall....stand...dont you know that you are free, well at least in your mind if you want to be..." sly and the family stone..........1970's when even then, i had no self esteem, but yet was voted "best all around" by my senior class on a day i wore my hair up despite my ears that i always hated!!!!
thank you all so so much................there are no words .................