It doesn't stop the questions. Was anything ever real? Does he even miss me? Will he ever care about any of this? Will he ever regret it?
What's "real"? Define it. Because what's "real" for you and what's "real" for an addict are two different things.
For what it's worth, I don't doubt that he loved you the best he could. But what you need to understand is addicts operate at a deficit. It's impossible to be a partner or a spouse in a romantic relationship while slowly poisoning yourself at the same time. So whatever he had, he gave to you. It simply wasn't equal to what you were able to give to him, for a lot of reasons.
In any event, his sh!t -- mental illness, addiction -- is his sh!t, not yours. Your job right now is to process what you've experienced, and in order to do that, you need to understand the beast that is addiction. Read as many posts as you can stomach. And then, before you know it, something will click...