Thank you for the replies. I'm beating myself up because I feel like it's all my fault. I wish I could go back to that day and not have that argument. Say something different. If I had just reassured him more this wouldn't have happened. If I had wanted to get engaged on our anniversary this wouldn't have happened. He went 9 years without using and I ruined everything. And now I mean nothing to someone who means so much to me. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my friend is gone too. He isn't there to talk to. The person who wanted to be with my everyday now doesn't want to talk to me at all. How does that all go away so fast? He even admits now that he hates that these people and this lifestyle is what's comforting to him, so why doesn't he try to fight it?