This is a bit scary!
You all sound like you're posting excerpts from my life!
1 - In my fifties.
2 - A loner most of my life.
3 - Never *quite* fitted in
4 - Attracted the wrong men
5 - Always had low self esteem
6 - Never happy with my looks
I could go on!
(((Sunshine))) I've been where you are now, and it's a dark and lonely place. It seems like you'll never find what you need. I could tell you that you will come out of it and find yourself (and you will) but right now it seems impossible doesn't it.
You need to take care of you.
I don't know your history but isn't there some-one you can share with who can support you and give you a buck up when you need it?
I don't have any experience of Al-Anon but many here have, and it seems to help them.
You need to take care of your nutrition too, many of our body and minds failings are down to not seeing that we put the right things into it.
Get away from your situation as often as you can; get some exercise, join a gym.Do things for YOU.
You say you don't *fit in* then you need to be with people who value you for who you are. Many people here do just that, you are one of us, we have a common bond. Look for people like us where you live, you will find them.
I could sit here all night saying do this and do that but only you can choose to do something about the way you feel.
I know that when you are feeling low it's very difficult to pick yourself up,
so take baby steps in the right direction and one day you'll find you've gone quite a distance from where you are now.
Look after yourself x