The pain isn't easing. Please help.
Hi. I've been reading the posts here for a few weeks and decided to join in hopes I can find some peace in my situation. It's not getting any easier.
I was in a relationship for 14 months with a man I knew had a rough past. He has an alcoholic father and his mother used to do drugs. They split up when he was 12 and he was neglected and ended up living in hotels and selling and doing drugs. He also has depression and anxiety issues. At the time we stared dating he had been clean for 8 years. He would not even smoke pot or take Advil as he felt it would take him down the wrong path. He had worked hard to overcome a criminal past and get himself a decent position at work, and he just seemed so disgusted by his past and the people in it. Having been clean for 8 years I didn't think there would be any problem.
He never had any relapse issues in that 14 months. Never lied to me or stole from me or even said a cruel word to me. I really came to trust him and his love. As we celebrated our one year anniversary he was looking at rings. We were planning to move in together. He very consistently made it clear he saw me as his future.
I am divorced so I am a little more gun shy. I wanted to not rush anything just because we hit one year together. I was hesitant and he took it as me not loving him like he loved me. He became increasingly panicked I was going to leave him. Then a month ago we got in a bit of an argument and he took it to mean we were over. When I tried to talk to him the next day he was distant. Something has changed. He broke up with me. For a couple weeks he was telling me he loved me and he was just so lost. The relationship was so serious and he needed to know he can be happy without me because he had put all his happiness on me. Long story shorter, eventually, two weeks after he left me he told me that he went out with his old friends that night and did things he didn't think he would ever do again. He didn't mention every drug, but I know he is smoking pot, drinking, smoking cigarettes, taking adderall and Xanax. He said he wants to sell Coke again. Maybe he is doing Coke again. I'm not sure. It's been a month since the break up and he maintains that he loves me but doesn't want to. He says love is uncomfortable and it scared him and he drugs and his criminal friends are comfortable. He says he hates that it's comfortable but it is. He never thought he would want to be the person he used to be, but maybe now he does. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know what makes him happy.
He was saying he thinks we aren't compatible, which came as a surprise to me. And he begged me to leave him alone. He said it was hard to say that but it's the right thing to do. I have begged him to let me be with him. To help him. Begged him to stay with me. He says he cannot and will not and doesn't know if he will ever be able to. Yet he says he doesn't want me to go. Then he begs me to leave. Then I say I will leave and he says "gee thanks."
A few days after that he posts on Facebook that he is making all these decisions that he doesn't understand. He tells me "I'm sorry I ruined everything for reasons I don't understand at all." I told him I'm sorry he is going through a tough time and he said "I'm used to it. I always hurt myself before someone else can." At that point I invited him over to talk if he wanted and he said no, that's not fair to me, he has been doing bad things again and maybe he likes it that way.
A couple nights ago he told me again that he loves me. That everything between us was honest and his feelings for me have always been honest. So why is he so dead set on keeping me away? Why is he choosing this lifestyle he wanted to never go back to? Why is he choosing that over me? Is it all some clever ruse to let me down easy because he just doesn't want me? He went from burning love to "no go away" literally overnight after he went out with those friends and did drugs. He stopped before? So why won't he stop now for me? And why isn't this pain going away? I have no choice but to accept he is gone but I can't. It's been a month and the pain isn't letting up. It's going to ruin me. I can't take it anymore!