nice thread SF, its relevant to where I am now.
I quit this time last year for my first time in 27 years and lasted 11 weeks. I returned to drinking because I felt that I would be able to moderate. I too am an immensely stubborn person and thought that through willpower I had learned enough to be able to moderate.
I stacked all the evidence up on one side including everything I had read on this site, the promises to my wife, my experiences at AA, all the carnage that I had been through in my life. One the other side was my AV niggling away telling me that I could handle it. Totally irrational of course....but isn't that the nature of addiction?
I was drinking again until 3 days ago. Most of that time was somewhat controllable. Getting drunk approx one per week, days off each week. Plenty of times having a couple of beers and stopping. But you can see where this road leads, right?
Last weekend, I went on a 2 day all out bender and spent most of it in a blackout. I didn't make it home for two nights to my wife and 4 year old son. I missed two days off work. I hadn't experienced the anxiety attacks in a while but they were back the following day. The horrible dread and sense of a lack of control. I immediately knew what was happening and quit. This time for good.
You know, it took a while...9 months to be precise, to get right back to where I had been but the destination was never really in doubt. There is absolutely no question that I am an alcoholic and will never be able to moderate safely.
I would guess that from your drinking to get drunk every day on holidays and basking in the glow of annihilation that you are too. And if that is the case you know where that road leads also.
I don't think your situation is all that confusing at all. The question I have is this....it took me 9 months to dive back into that hellhole, how long will it take you if you don't stay sober?