V,
Stay sober today. Just for today. Can you do that?
Maybe spend today booking a therapist appointment, like an addiction therapist?
Go to an aa meeting. There's always someone with sober time and some wisdom at an aa meeting. Ivan go to a meeting and feel like 85% of it is silly, then someone inevitably says something that really resonates and helps me.
I'm sorry for all the really tough situations you have experienced. I have some PTSD too. Flashbacks are a b$&$. I learned recently though, that I'd rather be bombarded by flashbacks for a week sober than have a single one drunk.
Drunk makes everything worse. Everything.
You can do this v. You reached out because you want it. You can do it!