I'm sorry for all the things you and your family have been through, Vendetta. It really is possible to move on from the past though, even some very tragic ones.
I think the time comes when you have to stop thinking about things and apply a course of action.
You can't get to where you want to be by swimming in circles....none of us can.
Why not try one small change to start and post here tomorrow when you haven't been drinking?
D