Thanks so much for the posts and links guys, it really means a lot to me and I've found it very helpful just to connect. In retrospect it was a silly question. Not being able to see your children really puts things in perspective compared to not being able to stop shaking.. I've taken a beating from this, I really have but I don't want this to continue. It's like watching a movie of yourself. I'm screaming at the main character to pull up and make the right decision for once. It's just so damn hard when the horrors the next day are a reality. So what I'm going to do is STOP. I know how hard it's going to be but I've done it so many times before, but I think for me the one step I need to take is LISTENING to what ppl say to me. I need to stop my own way because it never works. Ever. I'm ready to wake up tomorrow shaking and feeling the "oh gods" and just ride it until the weekends past. On Monday I will be 4 days if I follow this plan. I can sit in bed shaking and feeling horrendous, what I can't do is go back to prison or lose my family