its me,not him
i have realized in these past few weeks that my issues are about ME,not him. the problem is i have absolutely no idea what to do about them.
i found myself not wanting to be with him because one--i knew in my heart he really had no big desires for me or us.......i found him,and being with him boring...........i did not agree with his lifestyle choices.......blah blah blah yada yada yada..........i have realized that i am so upset and depressed because it comes back to me, and my whole life.
realizing i was used,settled for, for the past two and a half years of my precious life. i cant honestly say he used me for sex.....or money......but still i was used.......and it seems i have been by men my whole life.
and then by other people too.
ive always had major issues with my looks. and i dont care what anyone says but i truly feel in this world, you get treated differently according to your looks.
i have tried to evaluate myself. what do i do,or say or what, that makes me such a loner. i try to be supportive, im a great listener, im a loyal person and trustworthy. but i have always felt like a square peg in a round hole. i hate the little clique type group friendships, i dont like to gossip, i dont like shopping, and cant afford alot of things, i dont like being around people at times when they are high or drunk, yet some people i meet seem just way too conservative for me......i just dont fit anywhere.
i know people who truly dont care if they have a relationship or not. i wish i could be one of them. im not. but i always wanted one filled with mutual desire, respect, love,caring,support, and have never found that.
now i am at the what do they call that...the "twilight" of my life (?) and i am so sad that i still have not found where i fit, or who i fit with.
im scared of what lies ahead. i cant go thru this again. and in trying to just get on with life, nothing is filling the void. i know i have been here before, and got thru it, and much worse. i know i have lots to be thankful for. but it is a constant effort to validate my self.