Dimndaruf, while this is a shocking and devastating realization, it is also the beginning of the path toward health. You might want to look back at my early threads from when I left my then abusive alcoholic narcissist husband in July 2012. Like you, I had fallen under his spell and submerged my own personality and life under his dominant and destructive control. Those threads have many many helpful responses about narcissism, Stockholm syndrome, gas-lighting, and emotional abusve that will resonate for you. If you click on my screen name, ShootingStar1, you will be able to choose the threads that I started, and the first year or two are very relevant to what you are dealing with.
Bimini and Hopeful4, while many alcoholics behave in narcissistic ways, when a person who is a true narcissist while sober becomes an alcoholic or addict, that adds a deep and destructive twist to their abuse.
Dimndaruf, you are, with this realization, beginning the journey toward health. If we don't know where the chains that hold us to a situation are, we can't loosen them and become free.
From my experience, finding a skilled therapist who understands emotional abuse, narcissism, and alcoholism was essential to working through the layers of emotional abuse to understand, finally, the choices I was unconsciously making that led me allow myself to live under this kind of control. For me, I chose my narcissistic emotionally abusive porn and alcohol addicted husband of 20 years in the pattern of my father and other relationships with men - such as bosses - that I had lived in before.
It has been a difficult, revealing, joyful, ah-ha filled, sometimes devastating journey for me, and it has been the most rewarding, freeing experience of my life. Alanon can help, too, as can SoberRecovery, but having a wise counsellor lead me through uncovering the layers of why I chose abusive men was life changing.
Blaming yourself is not going to help, and you don't need to do it. While this moment of realization is horrific, it is also the pivot point to changing your life for the better.
For me, now almost 3 and a half years from when I literally ran away with my little dog and a suitcase while my husband was working in his downstairs office, this has been an extraordinary path toward freedom. My life now is so much more joyful, happy, healthy and serene.
This is what awaits you. Feel free to private message me if you like.
ShootingStar1