Originally Posted by
Tiredofdrugs 
Well you know me? I like to pick things to pieces to get to the answer in the middle of things. My Mom says I'm like a dog with a bone! Worrying it to death! You know how a dog will chew on a bone from one end to the next? Trying to get to the center of it! That would be me!
Well you know me? I like to pick things to pieces to get to the answer in the middle of things. My Mom says I'm like a dog with a bone! Worrying it to death! You know how a dog will chew on a bone from one end to the next? Trying to get to the center of it! That would be me!
My mind is usually thinking faster than my fingers are typing! So I might hit and miss on things when I'm asking about stuff! Sorry about that! Don't mean to come off sounding rude and crude!
I think you already know if I'm going to chew on your azz about something? It's going to be done by private sources!
I found this site due to looking for someone to help me thru w/d's and the detoxing off the pain meds! I'm a recovering addict trying to help others. I'm not here to bash others for screwing up and getting addicted to things. If I don't understand why something has happened? I'm going to ask questions! The more I know about a situation? The more info I have to try and help that person with! If I don't know about something? I'm going to say so! Just like what you have going on Lyoness with your PTSD!
In that hoarding story about the Principle! The Therapist took him back to his school he worked at. She had gotten the letter from the police and had put it in the desk. She had him go to the desk and pull it out! And let me tell ya! This whole journey was a terrifying journey for this man. He wouldn't read the letter and she asked him if he wanted to tear it up? He tore it up into as many pieces as he could! He released himself from his terrors by doing that! He got his home cleaned up and started acting like the person he used to be! He found his release in order to live a normal life! You have to find your release from the past in order to live a normal life! I don't know what it is! Only you can figure that out! If it takes you making stick figures and putting the names of those men on each one then beating them with a bat to help you feel better? Then that's what it will be! You understand what I'm saying here?
I was married to two different abusive husbands! I left them in order to live a better life! If we stay in the same circle of thoughts and events? There will never be a change for the better!
I do understand how you took things the wrong way! I'm glad we cleared them up!
TOD
I am glad we cleared things up, too.
I also ask a lot of questions and and want to understand more. Our styles are probably somewhat different but also the same. I've caused misunderstandings too, well, I just did up there a few posts above.
But yeah, asking questions is the only way to learn something so it's a good thing.
I'm going to see if I can find that Hoarders episode. Exposure therapy is something that can be very successful in some cases. I would have to be careful and figure out how to go about it safely. Don't want to expose myself to pedophile/torturing priests! But I've had plenty of fantasies of doing this
to them. And more.
I've wondered about going to the church where the worst abuse took place. Wondered if I even
could go there. And doing something like taking a sledgehammer to the walls or just blowing the place up. Not highly legal activities but possibly very therapeutic.
When I did my really intensive therapy I sort of did that. My counselor had made a little tiny room, lined on all sides with red cushioning. And after our time together I would stay in there, equipped with a baseball bat and yell and scream and hit/bat the Cult, and my parents and all those evil abusers out of me. And I really did feel that I got a lot of them, their poison, their programming out of me. I also wrote thousands of pages, spewing that poison, getting it out of me. It was very cathartic and very healing. And very exhausting.
When I was through, well I hoped I was through for good. I'd spent eight years in therapy, the last couple super intensive and I just needed time away from it. I needed life that didn't include therapy for awhile. I still worked on myself but never that intensely again.
But I know healing, especially from this much stuff, is like that bloody onion, layer after layer after layer. Gotta deal with those layers when they come up. Or deny them. Or discover opiates and how they can numb you and those problems slip away from the surface for awhile.
And as much as I don't want to feel it or acknowledge it or accept it, I'm at another deep, intense, painful layer of onion. It was just such exhausting and all-consuming work last time and I haven't felt like I have the strength or energy or courage to do it anymore. I also don't have the support system. I need a therapist who has specialized training and takes my insurance and that isn't so easy. Especially as this is a small population area.
But if I'm to have a chance to survive I'm going to have to find new coping tools because I don't really have any anymore. Opiates were my last, best coping tool. And hiding away, hibernating in depression is another. And suicide is also a coping tool, it's always there as a possible out. Knowing that I have that choice can sometimes help me hang on. And sometimes make me want to leave. That may sound crazy but it's like this one thing I can always count on.
And, like you said, I need to find new releases. Last time it was yelling, screaming, batting those padded walls, exorcising the Cult, the devil, my father, the priests, their programming out of me.
Now I don't know what my releases would be. I have a feeling a lot of crying would be involved. I've never really grieved what's happened to me, I've avoided it because grief is miserable and frightening. But I have much to grieve including losing any chance at being loved or wanted by any family, the abuses, so much. It's a lot of grief and I'm afraid of drowning in it.
When I did the earlier work it was anger I was sitting on. I felt so much rage inside (while never showing it on the outside, I stuffed it and denied it) that I was literally afraid that if I felt it I might explode or implode the planet. That bat and those cushions and yelling til I was hoarse and hitting the walls til I was blistered really helped me safely let out and get rid of a lot of anger.
Right now trying to figure all this out on top of everything else feels SO overwhelming. That's why I am just hibernating. Trying to recover from all this stress, trying to hide from it. And maybe trying to rest up in order to face and meet these challenges.
I guess that's enough to bombard you with for now, eh?
(((TOD)))