Thanks TOD, it does help. This is the challenge with writing sometimes, we can't see facial expressions or hear intonation. I was trying to answer honestly without my upset feelings coming through but obviously didn't do so well either.
I took what you said as criticism and that's why I got so upset.
So I'll try to answer from a now calmer place. It is hard to talk about, there are so many feelings of shame, etc. that it can make me feel vulnerable saying . Also not sure how much detail is okay to say on SR.
But what happened is I have tried to research what would be a successful and available way for me to exit. I don't have the means for certain ways (I.e.weapons or knowledge. ) I also wAnted to avoid as much pain as possible and long lasting damage if I failed. (Here's where I'm not sure what's okay to post so will not get too detailed. ) Basically I did make attempts, I failed at them, worst effects were just feeling sh**** for a few days.
And yes, I think I also fell prey to that idea of saving some in case I failed. That's not logical, but people trying to kill themselves are not having access to all of their knowledge or experience or logic. I also think whatever part(s) of me that wanted to live sabotaged my attempts. There are wAy more attempts than successful suicides. It's not an easy thing to do, even if it's what you want overwhelmingly.
As for the legal stuff, I know I broke the law. I just question is it better to handle a situAtion like mine and so many others the way it is or can we find other solutions,like what Portugal has done. I guess I also feel that it wasn't my intent to hurt anyone and would hope that would be taken into account. Have to talk, more to my lawyer about this.
So I hope I was able to answer your questions and respectfully. I value your friendship and don't want misunderstandings to get in the way.
