TOD, I'm not 100% sure what you're asking but I'll try to answer. My motivation for doing what I did was to try to get enough extra pills to kill myself with. That was all I felt, all I thought, was totally focused on ending my life.
I did obviously fail. A couple times I fell asleep before I could take enough medicine. I suppose somewhere in my mind I might have been thinking to save some in case I failed. Suicidal Depression was the catalyst, the reason for why I did what I did.
Because years ago when I was shooting and snorting the oxy, dilaudid and morphine and had altered scripts to get more, I remembered that while suicidal I tried it again.
I guess that is why I feel I've suffered enough. Being depressed and suicidal enough to do what I did feels like already being punished. You've said you can't speak to, don't understand and have no experience with this kind of mental illness. So all I can say is being in that much pain is punishment enough. Losing my doctor, losing my friend, losing my self worth all feel like punishment enough.
Having all of that plus the legal issues feels like overkill. I didn't hurt anyone,I didn't try to hurt anyone. I did try leave this endless, ongoing pain. I don't think I deserve punishment for already being punished every day of my life.
And clearly you disagree and believe I do deserve punishment. I believe in the spirit of the law and having it be based in reality, compassion, humanity. And it sounds lime you believe in the letter of the law, no exception, no taking into account a person's experiences, no room for punishment already served.
My former doctor and even lawyer, and others feel I have already suffered enough. What good or purpose does it serve to further punish someone like me?
I didn't do it to score drugs, to get high, to sell them. I just wanted out.
So maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree. If I could I would change the whole injustice system. I would get treatment for drug crimes and mental illness crimes
Not just for me but everyone. Cuz the system we have now is only making things worse. People get mote time in jail for possession than for raping children. That is f***** up. And those victims will grow up mentally ill and try to esse their pain through drugs. I just honestly believe the whole system is messed up and feeds the addiction and mental illness in our communities. It certainly