Originally Posted by
ShootingStar1 
For me, it took me significant time alone to realize that I was mainly perceiving the world through the lense of my husband's eyes and perspective. I found that I would, when I saw something happen or contemplated taking an action, knee-jerk first to "what will he say or do if I do XY or Z"
Then, with some time on my own, I was able to step back from that response and say to myself "hey, the question is what do I think?" And finally, I was able to think on my own. This is tough stuff because we have let ourselves become brainwashed that our partner's feelings and thoughts are right and matter more than ours do.
Dimndaruf, these parts of Shooting Star's post stuck out to me like--well, like a shooting star at midnight. I posted way back this past summer about beginning to see so many ways of thinking and handling things and even habits around the house were not mine; they were HIS and I'd been doing them so long I never noticed the difference. That was only the tip of the iceberg. As I begin to do my own problem solving and work out my own plans and routines, I see that I come at things from a completely different place than he did in a lot of ways. I have learned from him, no doubt, and there will always be a dollop of what I found useful from him mixed in w/my own thinking, but I am letting go of the rigidity and perfectionism he brought to life and man, I am breathing easier these days...
I don't feel I can speak to the rest of your situation. All I can do is feel for you and let you know that once you start being your own person again, you will be simply amazed at how contorted your thought process was, and truly, you never saw it. It's like the bars of the cage are so close, so tight, they're under your skin and you can't even see them any more. You don't know they are there until they start to be gone.