I wanted to treat him like an adult and allow him to make his choices. I also of course wanted him to be back with me in our life. As he started to slip away from AA/NA, started to negotiate with abstinence "I can have one drink and be okay," I pushed back but obviously not hard enough. He skidded off the rails in about 3-4 months and went on the most destructive bender I've ever seen from him.
The implicit assumption built into the "pushing back" narrative is the belief if you had pushed back "harder", he wouldn't have slid backwards. The truth is he wanted to drink. Push back a little...push back a lot...doesn't matter.
He decided to back away from his program.
He decided he could have one drink and be OK. And the one who is solely responsible for the destructive bender you've witnessed is
him.
Your job is to manage yourself, your choices, and your behaviors. And a big part of that job is deciding what you're willing to tolerate and for how long.