Dimndaruf

I want to thank you all for your kind (and not so kind) words and stories, they've been extremely insightful. Last week I was on edge as to my AH's reaction to something my son said about him being a "hypocrite". For those of you that know the story and may have been wondering what ended up happening I just wanted to let you know that the answer is nothing. I worried and feared that my husband would blame me for what his son said but he didn't, in fact we never spoke about it but I did notice that he took the pictures off his instagram. I don't know why it took for this to happen but I was glad that he did it regardless.

I've been trying to give us both space, I'm trying to work on myself and detach from unhealthy behavior (both myself and AH) for myself and my children. This "distance" and "detachment" doesn't seem to be going well with AH and we ended up in an argument yesterday. He called me on Saturday to ask why I didn't call him all day, I let him know he was doing his video shoot and there was no need to call since there was nothing pressing with the children so I avoided contact. He said he didn't think that was the reason. Then yesterday he shows up later than he promised (to bathe kids & help with homework). He asked me about the distance and I told him that we need space to work on ourselves. He started with his "you always treat me like a yo-yo" spiel and how mad he is that I get to choose the status of our relationship...blah blah. I then very nicely told him that I felt like I've been begging for respect in this relationship and that I can no longer just be in a relationship with someone who asks and expects things of me that they do not give in return. We went back and forth for a very short time and then we calmed down. 30 mins later after he bathed our daughter he makes a comment about the way I'm positioned in the corner of the bed (he called it strategically place) and engaged in my phone. I knew what he was insinuating and I very softly said "if you think I'm speaking to a male I'm not". He always thinks there's a man I run to when I'm hurt, upset or when we're having issues. He says "it doesn't matter because you're single". He ended up leaving shortly thereafter very angry, of course.
My son arrive home with my father after AH left, my son was extremely tired and began acting out because he was eating a lollipop and when my dad gave one to my daughter he started having a whining fit. Long story but he ranted on for about 2 hours about the things she gets and comparing them to the things he gets or doesn't get. He did this all the way up until bedtime, I was really upset because I knew he was tired but I also know it was coming from somewhere.
After searching for a few counselors I came across a few that I'm going to call by the end of the day to make an appt. but I'm confused right now as to WHEN and WHAT I tell AH. Do I tell him the full story of why I'm looking into therapy? Do I tell him now or after I've made the appointment and invite him? Again, walking on eggshells because of his possible reaction. I think he may feel guilty or think I'm exaggerating and his son doesn't need therapy. He may think sending him to therapy will CAUSE him problems that aren't there now. He's always so paranoid and private, I don't know how to go about this, any advice....PLEASE!