Today is not an easy day. I've basically decided to go drink again.
What's fun about it this time is that I THOUGHT my last mental hurdle to having sobriety under control for good was the insidious "I can handle it now"-style thoughts.
But now that they've been vanquished, there's some creative, all-new addictive thoughts forming.
Like:
--Yes, one way or another it *will* ruin the next few months probably if you drink again tonight, but so what? Your life sucks anyway. You're just as big a lazy, useless loser when you're sober as when you are drunk. May as well have what you want if you're a lump either way.
--It will actually be good to drink again, because you've been not-drinking too long now to still be a lazy sack of **** all day the way you are. Without the purpose of "getting through the first few weeks sober" to give you direction and self esteem, you're just a fat, unemployed, disfigured, socially off-putting, talentless basement-dweller with too many video games who will never again live outsider her mother's house. If you drink again tonight, at least tomorrow you can go back to deriving your self esteem from the noble struggle to get through the first few weeks sober. Then you can continue to avoid the fact that you're 27 years old and all signs point to you being completely pointless.
Fun right? So new, much creative.