I missed alcohol a lot the first year. I missed how it numbed my emotions so that I didn't have to deal with the issues I had, or the day to day concerns. It seemed to help with my unhappiness and gave me an escape. I was the life and soul of every party, and thought I needed it to lubricate social situations.
I was not 'happy' though as always my glass was still mostly half full. I had a lot of repressed feelings to try to get a handle on and I had to deal with those emotions that I no longer numbed.
While I still appreciate external validation, from husband, family and friends, I no longer seek it so desperately. I have internal validation. I am a good, loving, caring person. Generous with time and belongings. I pass forward when I can and am belatedly using my gift to make more of my life with my writing. I don't berate myself for the lost decades, what's done is done and my experience both during those drinking years and in my recovery have helped others. I feel better about myself, I have a sense of achievement with every milestone passed, whether others acknowledge them or not. I look in the mirror and like - love - the person I see there. It has been and will be a work in progress, and some days continue to be harder than others, but I have never wished to go back to being the selfish self absorbed person I was.
Funny, when we first stop drinking we have to almost become even more self centred, as everything revolves around ensuring we stay sober, but if in our sobriety, we work on the person we are, work on becoming the person we feel we can be, then whilst we absorb the love and recognition of our loved ones, we know who we are and don't need constant confirmation of our place in the world.
There are many many people with issues, people who never look into their hearts and see a need for change. Some of those people may even have a drink problem. Not all. Not by a long shot. No one is perfect, some of us are working on being a new improved model of who we were Toots 2.0, others believe the world was made just for them and as it revolves around them there is no need for them to change.
I have found that the most successful in recovery are those that look at themselves, look at their lives and realise they could live better. Becoming the person they want to be,more aching to attain that, distances them from the unhappiness that was integral in their addiction.
You are all helping, listening, supporting and learning day on day, and it doesn't stop, being here, being a part of this keeps me focussed on becoming.