Hi friends,
I am back to SR. I have a story of codependency and of severe depression which has gone worse the last few years.
I arrived here back in 2008 when I left an alcoholic boyfriend and the awesome people here brought my soul back to life and offered me all the information and compassion that I needed at the time. Slowly I started to understand the situation.
Recently I had a similar experience, where my deeply ingrained codependency showed itself again and I suffered a great deal. I am still recovering from it and from the separation of the last person. The story was short and very messy, I still miss him but you know what I miss more... my sense of peace and calm, and of real trust towards another person. I don't think I have had that in my life yet. I also think if I go on dealing with people that are not really trustworthy, that I might miss a chance of real connection in this life, and that is something I would like to experience.
At least I didn't spend that much time with him waiting for him to change... and I did notice he drinks too much, even during the week, very quickly. He is starting his own brewery and is a "sommelier" and loves the social life but the times we went out we always ended up way too drunk, and even after going to restaurants he wanted to buy more beer and go on at home. I do not know if that is an alcoholic but I suspect any substance abuse is really a symptom of a deeper problem that the person doesn't want to face.
He was supposedly "nice" and supported me on my many creative projects, but then he complained that "I didn't have time". When talking about human rights, a topic I feel passionate about, he tended to be dismissive and say that "at least I defended my point of view". If I sent him a funny image by mobile, he got angry asking why I was sending him "just images" and not actually having a conversation... oh, it was a lot of drama. If I forgot a detail of his life it was also the end of the world, and I remember the feeling of walking on eggshells very well.
Actually I feel that same tension happened with my parents, even if he was not alcoholic, it was like my dad always had to be happy and if not, my mom and I had failed. I also feel there is this sense of "how great they are" or "how great they show others to be" but then you see the actions and behaviors, or how they talk about others behind their backs, and you notice (or at least I noticed) that this last guy is not such a good person after all.
I am very grateful for the great people here in SR, I remember lots of you! I came back to try to process my own feelings given this last deception, and to try to share some of my "wisdom" lol.
It is true codependency is just like alcoholism in that you can be "fine" several years and then go back to square one as if you hadn't learned anything. However I am trying to see that all I am is human, that I make mistakes and that feeling compassion and love towards the self is the worthy task that I need to exercise in my life, and it comes first regardless of what others think or of what goes on outside. It seems far away, the moment where I will let go completely of this person but at the same time I feel stronger and with more resolve as I feel that my own peace of mind matters too.
