Hi Jac88,
I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now, and understand how painful this whole situation is. How overwhelmed with emotions you're feeling.
What I'm reading suggests you're really struggling with the decision about whether to leave him forever, or to go back to live with him now. And that's a big decision to make while under so much stress.
What about the option of taking that Big Decision off the table for now? It doesn't feel to me that you need to make it yet. You have the option to just take some time away to think things through.
If he's someone you're considering being with forever, you shouldn't feel like it's some kind of high pressure salesman demanding that you close the deal today or it's off the table. Perhaps find somewhere temporary to live just for now till you've really had time to think. Open up the possibility of giving yourself a good few months if needed to take stock of everything so you know the decision you make is the right one for you and your boy, and not made while still reeling from a shock like the one you've had.