Lightbulb moment and moving on
Hi all - As always, thank you for your support and insight. I don't post too much but read your posts frequently.
Long story short: after many years of staying in my marriage with AH hoping things would change, I finally had enough and left. AH (highly functional) quit drinking, is attending meetings regularly, got on anti-depressants, and decided he wants to make this marriage work. He's the guy I have been begging for for 10 years. For me it is too late. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. And I am FINALLY listening to myself.
AH is travelling for work, so I am staying at our house to take care of the pets. I am SO sad being here. I work from home, so I am here non-stop for 4 days, working and crying and mourning the loss of this relationship.
AH and I have been discussing my "feelings" and he's been asking me to please come home and give it "one more try". I cannot do it. I just can't. I don't want to. He's then been saying things like, "How can you just throw away the past 18 years? How can it be too late? Don't you miss me? Don't you like the person I am right now? If we get divorced, I'll never be able to see you again, is that what you really want?" Blah blah blah. It's been really bothering me because those are the logical questions I've been asking myself and I'm having a hard time separating the emotion of the situation from logic. So I was talking to my sister about it, and she said:
"That's the disease talking, not him. He would never say those things to you if he wasn't caught up in this addiction."
OMG. Lightbulb. He's quacking. He hasn't had a drink in 2 months and he's still freaking QUACKING. When he would drink and begin talking hurtfully, I learned to recognize that as quacking and ignored it. It never occurred to me that quacking can happen when someone is not drinking! And just like that...clarity. I'm done.
I just found out that the one close friend who has been helping me through this madness has been lying to me about something pretty significant, and has scammed me for a large sum of money.
I am heartbroken about the ending my marriage, I am heartbroken about the loss of this other friendship. I feel alone and adrift.
I have a place to stay until the end of November, then I must make other living arrangements. I have decided to move to the area where some of my family lives, 450 miles away. Am I running away? Maybe. Am I making a mistake? Maybe. I cannot be here anymore. I am starting over. After 10+ years of suppressing grief, sadness, and anger, my emotions have completely taken over my brain right now. I don't like it.
I know things will get better and I will heal. It is just so hard to see right now, and this betrayal by someone else I cared about is almost too much to bear. I feel shattered. But I am done worrying about myself last.
It's time to figure out who I am. I just realized that when I started this account back in 2008, I picked the username TimeForMe. It's sad that it's taken me this long to realize that it IS time for me.
Better late than never, no?