Originally Posted by
stevieg46 
Hi Living in Peace .
9th step says ''Made direct amends to people we had harmed ,EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others .
Its only my view but 'You ' are part of the others , 8th step goes on to part that says '' Became Willing '' to make amends it does not say we ''must '' .
Hi Stevie. Apologies for my not replying sooner. I also feel that "you" are part of the others, although I notice people on the forum don't have a consensus. In my opinion, the God of my understanding would not want me to be harmed by making amends. Plus I think it's more that I didn't harm these specific people, although in their minds I did. My sponsor has said I do not owe them amends.
You say a lot of your family etc are ''toxic '' okay one thing I have learned is that you cannot reason or explain something to people who are ''Unteachable '' wisdom to know the difference .
Yes. That's a good point.
What I have learned to do is ''detach '' from people who are loud ,aggressive ,people who live in a vastly different manner from myself and people who do not have standards or principles that I try to live by , for example take the AA slogans that we see on the walls of many AA meetings ,most of them try to show us how to have a ''normal way of thinking and living '' people who are loud and aggressive do not live by these principles .
I've detached from them, with the help of a therapist who strongly suggested it, although the guilt was hard to deal with. It's helped me work on my recovery. And I fear that making amends to any family members are going to ruin that detachment. I already made a general amends to a family member that really was just more about getting in contact vs an actual amends, and she already mentioned these toxic family members and insinuated I was a bad person for not being in touch with them better. She is unaware of their abusive, toxic ways.
Being ''Detached '' does not mean ignoring them it means stop trying to reason or defend yourself or your actions , I do not live in other peoples sickness or allow them to interfere with my way of living , yes even some family members , ''detachment can mean simply ''let go '' or in the case of ''family '' Let go with Love '' or ''let go and let god '' you simply cannot reason with unreasonable people ,you cannot make them '' accept '' you ? why ''unteachable ''
That's a good point. There's one particular family member who is utterly impossible to reason with. Actually, more than one. She will fight tooth and nail and scream as loudly as her lungs would allow her to, in order to make her point that she is always in the right about.
Move on and accept the things you cannot change , the 9th step just be ''willing '' that's all in relation to them .
I certainly will keep that in mind.
AA taught me to be ''ruthless '' with my sobriety and do not allow anything or anyone interfere with it or my peace of mind and contentment . Desiderata talks about people who are vexations to the spirit ,as above ''loud and aggressive '' hope this helps ? take care .
That is such an important point. Why should I try to mend relationships with people, with love, kindness and tolerance, giving them amends they think I need to do, but that God, my sponsor, and my therapist do not think I need to do, only to harm myself in the process?
Many thanks.
