I guess right now I'm just going with the flow. He has mentioned he wants to leave the halfway house but I insisted on him staying there. I'm not really ready for him to come home. He needs to take care of himself without my every direction. He needs to figure out what he needs to do for himself without me telling him what to do. I know I can't change him. I know this drug has a hold of him. I know I can only control myself.
I have explained to him why I want and need him to stay. He's been clean for 6 days. That's the longest he's been clean in quite awhile. Last detox, I picked him up and he conned me into taking him to his dealers house. He makes me feel so guilty and the sob stories. I can stand my ground for awhile until he throws the suicide threats in the mix. I could understand why he would feel that way with everything that has happened in his life, therefore, I give in. Time and time again. The agreement this time was put out by my mom. If he comes back home and uses, he gets kicked out and I can't help him. If I give in to him, money or to help him get his stuff, I get kicked out as well and our girls will stay with my parents. He doesn't want that to happen and that's part of the reason I want him to stay at the halfway house. I don't want him to make me feel so guilty to where I give in and risk being there for our kids. I've risked enough already I don't want to anymore.
He was able to get into the halfway house from his sponsor. He even paid for 3 days for him to get started. Thing was he needed to get a job. Still hasnt. Hes discouraged because he does not have a cell phone or transportation, let alone money and that's why he wants to come home. I told him he needs to deal with it. If he wants to remain clean, he needs to do whatever it takes to get a job to be able to pay rent there. He is surrounded by people just like him who have the same goal and similar stories. I think, right now, they are of better help and support than me. Especially since I'm supposed to be concentrating on myself. He needs to continue going to meetings and working the steps. As much as I would love to see him and hear about his progress, I don't think that seeing me and the kids on a daily basis is the best thing. Then again, he says he can't be alone and he wants to be around me and the kids. I am very proud of him for making it this far and taking a different approach to the recovery process. I've done countless hours of research on addiction, the drug, and mental illness. I could tell anyone where to go for treatment in our city. I could tell them their different options. I feel as though I've done my own schooling on addiction.
I would like to go to an ha or na meeting but there are not too many around where I live. I'm also a bit shy, especially when it comes to new people face to face. I would love to share what I have on my mind but I wouldn't even know where to begin. At least online I have time to think about what I'm saying. I'm also not very well with public speaking.