Thank you all for the support. Makes me feel comfortable inside.
I am safe, kids are safe.
My husband who has been using for 4 1/2 years, in and out of detox and doctors, $1000's gone, finally checked himself into a halfway house. I have been through hell with him, some good times but mostly, not so good times. I have faith in him. I believe he can do it. It's hurts to see the pain he deals with inside him. I wish I could help but I know there is nothing I can do for him. I will never forget the stuff he has done and events that have happened. Which some I hate myself for. Forgiveness is hard. I want to forgive him. I know he loves me and the person he has been is not him. He knows it. We've known each other 20 years and been together for 5. I remember the first time I had suspicions of him using something. The black marks on the counter, foils in the trash and cabinets, straws, baggies with residue. He left his wallet next to the toilet, which was just odd. I was curious and looked through his wallet and found a little cellophane wrapper with it tucked inside. I flipped and woke him up with threatening to toss it down the toilet. He claimed he was holding it for a friend and if I did flush it, he'd owe his friend $200. I knew that was a lie. It was his. He said he'd take care of it and it won't happen again. Morning came and I refused to give him his stuff. I had said I already flushed it..he didn't believe that. I should have, what was I thinking? He went to work, and ended up telling me to bring it to him on his lunch so he could give it away. I did, on a suspended license let alone. Said he'd be back, he was going to use the restroom and wed talk. He came out and I knew he got high. The pinpoint pupils were a dead give away. Especially since I observed the before and after. Another arguement after work and I told him to quit his job. He did the next day. I told him he needs to do detox or rehab. Said he didn't need it and stopped. He got a different job and I noticed a difference for awhile and then his brother passed away a few days before christmas. I noticed yet another change in him. I remember searching around to see if I could find anything. A few times I did but most of the time I didnt. A few months before the baby was born, I found a clean glass piece wrapped in a paper bag tucked between the seat and side of my old car on the side of the house. I smashed it and threw it away and then confronted him about it. Denied it was his and showed it didn't bother him that I smashed it. Now, I have meth in the picture. Actually, I didn't quite know at the time until a month later when he asked me if he could do meth just one time. Of course my answer was an explosive, angry, no. He left it alone. He changed jobs and a few months after the baby was born I had suspicions again. I found his piece under the dresser a long with foils. Along with two baggies. Now I knew for sure what it was. I have never touched either but I knew what each looked like. There was no denying it. Now that I think about it, this is when it got a bit more serious. I didn't know what to do but hope and pray he'd stop. The baby was never in danger but I still felt guilty this was the life we were living.
I hope being a parent in this situation is not judged upon. I never ever thought I would be in the situation let alone with a baby and scared. I look back now and think to myself, "what was I thinking?" Or "i should've (or shouldnt have) done this or that." It broke my heart that our plans and dreams for the future were being ruined. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I had Google to search as much information as I could. I observed (maybe to much). I didn't trust anything or believe anything. I went along with things knowing the truth. I would bring stuff up and it would get thrown in my face that I didn't know what I was talking about. I felt as though I had been replaced, ignored. I was just there. How could he do this? Why is he doing this if he says _____. Does he not love me anymore? What did i do wrong? What am I doing wrong? What do I do? Countless nights of crying myself to sleep. Arguments with threats and hatefulness. We were both suspects. I could break down each event even further. This all was just a year and a half. Nevermind everything else I didn't mention.
I'm sorry my response is so long. I have so much I'd just like to share and get off my chest.