Originally Posted by
FireSprite 
Hey there LG, glad you are checking in!
I gotta say.... I see a lot of high-flying red flags here & I really hope you are treading as lightly as you think you are. You are SAYING you are keeping a distance but I'm HEARING a lot of emotional enmeshment & I don't want to see you get your heart stepped on again. ((((hug)))) I feel like you're dancing in the same circle, just slower. But it's the same dance.
I'm going to offer the opinion that this isn't relapsing - it's drinking on his part & minimizing it on yours.
This is good..... awesome that you shut down the electronics, but are you still thinking about him & what he's doing, where he's at, who he's with? You may be following through with plans, but rearranging or rescheduling them to work around his emergencies....
.....same dance... just slower, see? Remember the frog? One day the frog was just too tired to reschedule because the latest emergency zapped her energy & she never noticed the temperature turning up by a degree....
I'm just saying, Please Be Careful. Actions, not words. Actions are showing you hidden bottles & DUI's. At this rate, by next August he may be in jail. Even if he commits himself fully to recovery right this moment, none of that means you can make Life Plans that depend on him by next August. Trust doesn't happen on a timeline like that, ya know? But you can do a LOT FOR YOU in that same amount of time. A LOT.
What are you doing for you? Less than 2 months ago you shared:
But I think you were
already walking down Relapse Road & not even realizing it. (9/19/15) In the past you have defined this relationship as "existing in a state of limbo", but is that how you want to KEEP living? What is the expiration date on "Limbo"? I know you deserve better!
Um.. I totally appreciate your words and views but I really am not trying to say some of the things you think I'm saying?
I AM emotionally enmeshed with him because I am in a relationship with him....? I wasn't trying to NOT be emotionally involved with him. If I said that in the past then it was appropriate and directly connected to that moment in time. I have grown some and changed inside some of the things I was doing since even just two weeks ago. And I'm sure that I'll waffle a bit as I go on... but that's okay because we are after progress and not perfection, right?
And I didn't manipulate anything in my schedule to "rescue" him. I actually did very little to "fix" or "help". And anyway, it is my understanding that in helping our job isn't to judge and divvy out only what an addict or alcoholic deserves or not help because it may hinder their rock bottom or that it might be considered enabling... MY job is to make sure my happiness is in tact and that I am not losing myself in the process. In the past I would have picked him up, cancelled my plans, GAVE him money and not expected a return, called a lawyer for him, helped him "feel" better about it or minimalize what he did, etc, etc... My picking up his keys for him isn't going to affect his drinking or his sobriety either way. Him spending time at my house is a normal part of our relationship and again, affects nothing with regards to his sobriety or drinking. In my opinion, I'm doing damn good at letting go of the need to control or thinking that I can.
What I am aware of, however, is the impending possibility that this will eventually affect my relationship with him. My step dad died of liver cancer and was an alcoholic and he remained an honorable and wonderful man all his life despite the alcohol and some of the chaos we went through. At some point, I will come to the decision COMFORTABLY that I need to let this go. But right now, I honestly do not feel that way. He is a wonderful man who has an awful addiction and it gets him into trouble. Trouble that I am not directly involved with and am proud of myself for not having moved in with him this past August when my lease was up.
And I have had to give my worrying about next August (when the lease is up again) up to my higher power. It had me in nots and codie freak out mode and future trippin.... I have realized that my needing to make a concrete decision RIGHT NOW is a part of my defect and just another way to control.
Next year when it gets closer, I am at peace knowing that I will know what to do. :-)
Does that all sound better? Sorry for the rant, but honestly, I've been doing really good. This is about my progress and not whether or not my abf is lying about getting sober or his drinking. Of course that will happen; he's an alcoholic...