Ambuler

This was almost exactly how I was going to begin my post today....

First of all, hi everyone! I'm so glad to see everyone seems to be doing well. I'm sorry for those that fell off and feel bad, but I'm so happy to see you guys right back here, not giving up! It's so inspiring.

Emme, I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through with your mother. I'll pray that you will stay strong, for her and yourself, during this time. I've been there myself; I lost my son 5 years ago at age 7 to a heart condition, and watching someone deteriorate, and feeling helpless because you want to help, but can't, is probably one of the hardest things in life to go through. You're in my prayers today.

I am, yet again, on day 2. I'm shaking my head as I type that. This is the third time now. I'm usually ok to not drink on day 1 because I'm hungover and feel like crap. Then day 2 is alright too because I don't want to feel like I did on day 1. Then on day 3 I start to get the urge, but am usually strong enough to say no. By day 4 I'm starting to feel amazing, and I start (or rather the AV starts) to convince myself that a drink or two would be nice. I fight it for a while, but I eventually cave, and I'm back to day 1 again. Always the same cycle. Here I was on Sunday posting on here, encouraging everyone to not drink," We can do this!", and all it took was having to go to the store for a few things I needed for dinner, and I was buying a four pack of mini bottles of chardonnay and a 24oz Corona. I had convinced myself that it was waaayyy less than I would normally drink, so that's at least good, right?

It makes me question if I'm even serious about this. I know that I am so grateful to be off the merry-go-round of waking up and having to think, "Do I have enough wine?" "I have to go get some wine, but it's too early." "Oh, I can't go to that store because I just went there yesterday, let's go to the the other store 3 miles out of the way. I haven't been there yet this week." "I hope I don't bump into any of my friends from church at the store." Etc, etc....But it seems that complete sobriety isn't something that I'm taking seriously. At first I thought I did. I made it from Oct 17 until Halloween without a drink, and felt great. But since Halloween I haven't been able to break this repeated 4 day cycle....

Sorry for rambling, I'm just kind of frustrated, and ambivalent about this all at the same time. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, guys. I sure do need it.