Wow! What a response. I'm humbled by all of your comments. Thank you all so much.
I was honestly afraid to say my true situation because part of me worried someone might think, "Oh my gosh, they let an ALCOHOLIC adopt children in need!!??" But then I guess I was forgetting that we're all here for the same reason, and that one commonality doesn't make any of us "bad" people.
I think if you all heard the frustration and resentment that sometimes floats in and out of my head, you wouldn't be calling me a saint.
Meraviglioso, you asked about disappointment, and there certainly is some there. I don't feel disappointed because of how others might perceive me, but rather because I had a dream for the children I might adopt and they aren't it. I've always wanted a daughter, and my daughter doesn't feel like my daughter at all. She manipulates me and is very moody. She's sneaky and lies often for attention. I'd love to see more of myself in her, some influence I've had on her, but she keeps trying what worked in her relationship with her biological mother (they had a toxic, terrible relationship, but it's all she knew, and to her that was "love). It doesn't work on me, and then she resents me. For instance, she might come in pouting and say something like, "You didn't cuddle with me today. You don't love me!" I don't like to be manipulated and I can't stand emotional extortion, so I just respond by saying, "I would love to cuddle with you. If you wanted snuggles, please ask. Don't pout or say I don't love you. That just makes me angry." And then she pouts out of the room. With her biological mom, that absolutely would have worked. Her bio mom would have melted into a puddle of apologies and say over and over "Oh no my baby! Don't say that! Mommy loves you! Mommy loves you!!! Come over here!!!" I want a healthier relationship than that. It's so frustrating.
I guess that's what's so disappointing. Wanting the mother-daughter relationship I've always dreamed of, and neither of us "getting" each other yet.
I also feel disappointed because I have so many other friends who have adopted and their kids and stories look like fairy tales. Mine is a hot mess. I had one "friend" say the ultimate insult to me recently: "I have a friend from college whose family adopted two kids from foster care, and they all just blended so seamlessly and it fit so perfectly, and your family isn't like that at all- yours is a huge struggle. Maybe you weren't supposed to adopt them."
Um, thanks.
It's done. And we're committed to them. So enough with the "maybes" and the "what ifs" and the questioning. I'm not gonna end up on Good Morning America for sending them off on an airplane with a $50 taped to their shirts and a note saying "I just can't." So that kind of talk gets me NOWHERE except deeper in fears and anxiety over what a crappy job I'm obviously doing.
The pressure I put on myself to meet ALL of their needs is unreal, but at the same time, they aren't meeting any of my needs to feel like a Mom. I am a professional therapist, and that hat doesn't come off in my home. I want to be MOM. I don't want to be the LPC at home. Does that make sense?
I'm constantly having to navigate their reactions and behaviors. Why did she lie about what she did in school today? Was that for attention, to make her brothers jealous, or just to be mean? What was that all about? Why did he steal and hoard a box of cereal under his bed? How can I address it? How can I prevent it? My husband and I have to be two steps ahead of them at all times, and that's hard and exhausting.
I feel disappointed because on the outside, my family looks beautiful. The children are beautiful. They really are. Yesterday after church, someone came up to me and actually said they wanted my 4 year old (the little boy) because he was just SO precious. Obviously she didn't realize how defiant and awful he was being during the service. I was a nervous wreck trying to keep him in his seat and keep him still and quiet! On the outside, everyone comments on how "lucky" we got. "Oh those kids are so beautiful! You got lucky!!" Like adopting ugly kids is a curse? Ugh. I really hate it when people tell me how "lucky" I got because of how CUTE they are. I'd rather them be kind and generous and respectful over cuteness any day. Trying to impart that into them is so draining. And it almost feels futile. I would love to see more of me and my husband and less of "her" (the bio mother) in them.
But nobody who comments knows those things that go on. Or they think "that's just kids." A lot of people have distanced themselves from me because they see the changes I've gone through over the past two years, but they think I'm either full of it, trying to get attention, or I'm just depressed (and who wants to be around a depressed person?). They see the weight I've put on, the dark circles and bags under my eyes, and how easily I cry when asked how I'm doing. My true friends have stuck by me, despite everything I've gone through and how pessimistic and burdened I've become, but those on the fringes (neighbors, some church members, etc) have pulled away because I'm a downer.
I think I don't present to them the lovely image of a foster adoptive mom that they all wanted. They thought our story was beautiful when we first started fostering, and they were very supportive. But then when we got these two and all hell broke loose and my husband and I both started changing just to try to survive, people fell away. The support lagged. I even heard from my pastor that someone had mentioned to him that we never make fostering sound good. He said someone told him "Why would ANYONE want to take up fostering after watching or listening to them? They act like it's the worst thing in the world. If they hate it so much, why are they doing it??" That hurt a lot.
We live in a very small community and were the only foster parents in the area at the time, and I honestly think everyone was psyched for us to be the poster child of fostering. A happy, rosy, sweet story full of happy endings... And I guess we didn't live up to that.
We take our faith seriously, and no matter how hard this is, I still think this is what God called us to do, and I have hope that it will get better.
I'm going to try to get an appointment with a therapist and I've started making changes in my diet. I'm eating healthier, but I haven't stopped the drinking. I want today to be a new day one. I've recently started taking Lexapro to deal with some of the anxiety and depression. It usually takes 4-6 weeks for the full effects to hit, so I'm not really feeling the benefits of it yet. Hopefully that'll help me get some sleep too.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I really feel like I've come to the right place.
BellJar