BellJar7

I drank this weekend.

I feel the need to tell you about my primary trigger....

On the surface, it's: Husband gone, dealing with kids all day alone.

However, there's more to it than that.

I don't know if I mentioned it before or not, but we have one biological son and two recently adopted children. One of our adopted children has such extreme behavioral issues, at 4 years old he is on a serious anti-psychotic medication. People tell me how "darling" and how "cute" he is. They don't notice the dilated pupils due to the meds that stop him from his nearly constant rages and incessant antagonism.

Off meds, he would hurt himself, hurt others, steal knives from the dishwasher, hurt my pets (often by choking), choke himself, rip his sheets, rip his clothes, destroy toys, put holes in walls, etc. It was bad. He's better on meds, but he still doesn't respect me like he respects my husband. My husband has a new work schedule that is LONG and hard. (12-14 hours a week, 6 days a week). So he's acting up, to say the least. And "acting up" with this child isn't what "acting up" to a normal child is. It's dangerous and exhausting.

.....And so I drank.

Here's my thing... I don't know how to change that. How do you "avoid" your triggers when your triggers are your own children? When your own children hurt themselves and others, and daily life is just trying to survive?

This has been my life for the past two years. I'm pretty sure I didn't say this in my intro, because who wants to admit this? This is the crap that Dr. Phil makes his millions on. Those "evil" parents who adopt "helpless" children and then "can't handle it." We've had these children for two and a half years. From day one, he was bad. I mean, we got him at 19 months old (and by then, I was a seasoned foster mom) and he screamed in anger all night and choked himself and forced himself to vomit on the floor so I had to get up and tend to him. I thought it was just a reaction to the newness of the place. Keep in mind, I also just completed my masters in counseling. I'm not an idiot at this kind of stuff. But then these behaviors continued for days, weeks, months, even a year later. They escalated. This child was FULL of anger, and nothing we tried calmed him or quieted him down.

I still feel exhausted. I'm STILL overwhelmed. My daughter (also adopted) is manipulative and dishonest, almost everyday. My (biological) son's behaviors have spiraled as a result of their behaviors.

I've tried talking to others, including counselors, and the response I always get is: "Do you really think you should be adopting these kids?" I resent that response so much. These children have NO one but us. In the 18 months of their CPS case, not one single family member or family friend stepped forward asking for custody. The caseworker asked every single week for 18 months if ANYONE related or not-related would step up, and there was no one. So of course when they asked us, we said yes.

They are difficult. They are angry, hurting, traumatized, abused, damaged, neglected. They have broken self esteem. They have trust issues.

I think I may have secondary trauma from these kiddos that I haven't tapped into. I had many very uncomfortable and terrible interactions with their biological mother, who resented me as if I was the one who removed her children. I gave everything I had to these kids, to the point of exhausting myself emotionally, mentally, and physically, and she did everything she could to turn the kids against me.

I have hatred in my heart for their biological mother that honestly shocks me. I'm a Christian woman, and I take my faith seriously, but I am full of anger and hatred for her. I could hurt her for what she put them through. In every single way that my newly adopted son hatefully treats me, I know he doesn't really hate me- it's her he's punishing through me. She will never know his sleepless nights. His anger. His rage. The fact that he now needs psychiatric drugs to handle the damage she created. If she had held him, loved him, NOT locked him in a closet, fed him, talked to him, treated him as a mother should.... He would be a different child.

My daughter didn't say her first word until she arrived at our house at the age of 3, simply because NO ONE HAD EVER SPOKEN TO HER BEFORE THEN. Wrap your minds around that, please. A baby not learning to talk -not because she was learning disabled or deaf- but because NO ONE had talked to her to show her how language worked.

I hate her. I have a hate for her that is unreal. (Not my daughter--- her biological mother).

My drinking picked up after I got them. Two children, non-verbal (when they should have been verbal), screaming and screeching for their needs, digging through my trash for food even when we fed them, screaming ALL night long, sticking their fingers down their throats to force vomiting just for attention, choking themselves until they passed out for attention, screaming at a high pitch incessantly in the car (anytime they were put in car seats), banging their heads on the hardwood floor, scratching their faces, eating their feces...

These children were feral in every sense of the word.

It took everything in me to get them to "normal."

We had them both in therapy, and they would come to the house. My son was in Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, and Physical Therapy. He also had a personal nutritionist, since he was so malnourished. They came out separately once a week every week. My daughter had Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy. They came out twice a week, every week, on different days. Then we would drive an hour for therapy for the kids with a counselor once a week every week. Every single day of the week (sometimes doubled up) was full of counselors walking into my home. Some would make critical remarks of how hard I was working with them. ("Have you been encouraging him to use his words? It doesn't seem like he's been practicing...")

My life became completely consumed in getting them "well."

I neglected my marriage, my school (I was also enrolled in graduate school during this time), and my biological son.

I gained 45 pounds.

The only thing I had time for was alcohol. Even over counseling. I was actually seeing a counselor when we got them, but they both needed such help, all of my afternoons and evenings and mornings were booked with therapists of various kinds coming out to my home. I had to give up my own counseling sessions to ensure these kids could learn how to talk and eat.

I lost myself in every possible way.

They are doing better, but from time to time, the old behaviors show up, and I still don't know how to deal. I'm still struggling in so many ways. I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm still struggling to bond with them both. I'm so tired, and it's a tired that has built up ever since we got them 2 years ago. This is a DEEP exhaustion. An emotional, spiritual, mental exhaustion.

They still receive some of their therapies, but not all. I'm still exhausted by the psychiatrist appointments and therapy appointments. I know this is my life now, but dang. I'm tired.

So, there I am.

I know when I introduced myself, I said I was struggling with other things, and those things are certainly there, but there's a daily survival aspect that I haven't figured out how to get past that may never leave....

So I need encouragement and knowledge and help.

Thanks.

BellJar.