Midton, that sounds like an awfully difficult series of situations. I would have had a hard time with that, too. Especially the free tastings. It's hard to see how that would be harmful, and yet I know it "opens the door" to more reckless drinking on my part. It's interesting that you were so functional when you drank. I think some of this has to do with gender and body weight and all of that. I'm a small person (calculated about 47 kg - we use pounds here) so I become pretty disfunctional pretty quickly when I drink. I also read that alcohol affects females differently because of the higher body fat percentage that we have naturally over men. Anyway, I get pretty highly buzzed after two drinks and start doing things and saying things that don't reflect good judgment. I often start making plans that are not well thought out, like booking a trip or offering to help someone when I haven't really sorted out my own needs. After 3 drinks, all bets are off and I might even finish the bottle, in which case I'm toast the next day. My hangovers have gotten progressively more brutal as I've aged (I'm now 51 and still in good shape - my bloodwork is very good, my psychiatrist said I'm very healthy for someone my age, but just healthy for any age, really). I know I risked throwing all that good health away if I continued to binge drink the way I was.
On another note, I'm feeling depressed lately. I know it has to do with my daughter and failed dreams and expectations of how parenting would be. I guess I should just experience these feelings and let them be (lean into them) instead of leaning away from them.
My world is getting a little smaller all the time, and I'm not sure I'm unhappy about that. The only people I really interact with now are my co-workers, my neighbors and my family (and a friend once in a while). Eliminating alcohol has been a game changer for me in terms of wanting to be social. I almost prefer staying home with a movie, reading a book, or doing something with my kids to anything "adult social."
I'm also afraid of dying in a plane crash, and so have considered never getting on a plane again after this recent bombing that happened. Midton, I used to drink on trains and planes as well. Sometimes it didn't turn out well, but it always made the journey a bit crazier, less harsh reality.
I'm a summer person, but I'm really looking forward to this winter because I want to do a lot of hibernating and staying home and hunkering down. That's what I'm in the mood for these days.
sigh...