Feeling lost.
Yesterday, I was feeling empowered and resolved. Today, I'm grieving. Grieving for my marriage that I'm most likely losing. I'm trying to detach, but I'm missing my husband... The man he used to be. But he isn't that man anymore. He is now my AH. He hasn't spoken to me. Not one word since I told him that I will be separating our finances. I went to a meeting last night, and when I got home, I saw he had drank half a gallon of vodka throughout the day. There it is again; I'm keeping track. I need to not do that. I know that he thinks I'm playing a game, and his way of "playing" is to not speak to me. He wants me to beg for him to communicate with me, he wants me to be that enabling victim that I always used to be. And it's tempting, because I miss what we used to be. But if I do that, it will never be what we used to be. I know that. Today, I miss it, though. I just wish he would wake up and realize what he is doing. But this is the path he is choosing, and that is his choice. I do not walk the same path. I need to find my "higher power". I've been an atheist my whole life, so I'm struggling with what that looks like. But I know I'm not in control of his life. Grant me the serenity. I'm just feeling a bit lost today. I will be going to another meeting tonight.