i heard early on in recovery that an alcoholic is an egomaniac with low self esteem.
or an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.
both fit me perfectly.
so many years i wouldnt reach out for help, mainly because i was in denial.
plus pride and ego got in the way.
even when i did talk about things going on i didnt want to hear solutions. i wanted people to join in my misery. misery really does love company.
with a lot of alcohol for the pity party.
then i got sick and tired of being sick and tired. the pain of reality finally exceeded the pain of getting drunk and i was given the gift of desperation. i wanted to kill myself.
thats when i got some courage and humility and reached out for help.
it was more than just reaching out,though. i wanted to change who i was. i didnt want to hate myself any more. didnt want to keep desteoying everything i came across.
and i was willing to do whatever was necessary.
took quite a bit of footwork, which was all worth it, but i no longer hate me, no more self pity, no more hating my life, no more gloom,dispair, and agony.
my attitude and outlook on life has changed. i can look at myself and the world in the eye.
and i have drank in a little while.
yup, we deserve peace and self respect. we deserve to have serenity. we deserve to have self love.
but its not handed to us. it has to be worked for. and that work is worth it.
i hope the binge ritual hasnt been disrupted for ya.
i hope an end has been put to it.