Hey guys.
So I’ve been fighting this pretty hard for the past couple weeks, but truth is bipolar got me like
And I know this is how it goes, but I’m really disappointed. Now I’m going to have to struggle again. I already feel like everything is out of control, like I can’t keep up with basic life, like there’s too much happening at once, and happening too fast. Instead of maintaining things smoothly, things seem to happen suddenly. I turn around and boom the dishes are piled up. Boom we have no clean laundry. Boom we are out of groceries. But at the same time, days seem to last for years, and I watch the clock waiting for bedtime so I can take my pills and go to sleep. Why I can’t manage to use all that time productively…I don’t know.
I lost all this weight, and now it’s going to be super hard to maintain it. I’ve tried to keep myself up on insane quantities of caffeine, but that isn’t cutting it anymore. I’m starting to binge on carbs, which is my body’s attempt to balance serotonin, which leads to panic over gaining weight, which leads to some real gross weight control tactics, and I don’t need these kinds of problems.
I keep telling my husband and daughter to slow down, I can only do one thing at a time. I get frustrated. I feel like I have too much to do when it’s really only two things, but I feel like those two things are going to take forever. And being super irritated with my daughter all the time, and hearing myself being such a bitch to her, and hating myself even more because of it. And hiding from my family and friends because I’m somehow completely incapable of simply being a decent human being.
A month ago I felt like real super cool, and now I just feel like a useless basketcase that’s always going to be a problem. I hate watching this happen and having so little power over it. It’s like hitting the brakes and then riding out the slow-motion skid into the brick wall. Yep, hitting it, right about now.