Day one
My name is Dan, I'm 41 and I'm an alcoholic and looking to lead a life of sobriety. Every morning I wake up and tell myself I won't drink today, every night after work, I fail. I drink alone because I'm ashamed of how bad I've become. I'm a functioning alcoholic, I work a lot, I even do a good job, but lately I feel like a shell of my former self. I don't find enjoyment in anything except my kids, but the shame I feel of how I'm destroying myself takes even that enjoyment from me.
I'm destroying my health and my marriage, I have 2 wonderful children 9 & 6, I want to be there for them as they grow up, that's not going to happen unless I can stop drinking. I wake up every morning feeling like a piece of garbage, questioning myself on why I keep doing this to myself. My health is definitely suffering. I have visions of my son finding me dead on the couch in the morning, dead from drink, yet I still can't stop. When I'm battling urges I feel like Gollum, a good versus evil conversation with the real me and the Primal brain as they call it.
I just poured out every bottle of alcohol in the house, I'm leaving my money and credit cards at home when I head to work today.
I'm hoping this forum will be a place where I can get some guidance and have conversations about what I'm going through. I've never shared this with anyone, I think that is part of the problem, it feels cathartic even just writing this.
I apologize for the long post. Thanks for reading.